


If You're not the one

by Shinenteen



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 07:03:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14350368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinenteen/pseuds/Shinenteen
Summary: An AU where Jihoon suffered from Hanahaki disease---a disease caused of having an unrequited love in which can only be treated by having his feelings returned or having a surgery. He is sure the surgery went well but why does his heart still beats for the same person?





	If You're not the one

**Author's Note:**

> AN: So I finished it. YERSSS!!    
> his whole idea came into my mind when my friend asked me what would haoppen if you underwent a surgery for having hanahaki (she got really curious about it after i mentioned to her the hanahaki thing.)  so here it is.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, share me your thoughts at the comment section :) 

I immediately shut the door as the anemones started to occupy the floor. I nearly admired the delicacy of the purple flowers if not the burn on my throat. It would have been pretty if the said flowers did not came from my mouth. 

This time it’s anemone; the forsaken flower.

I looked at my ghost in the mirror. I saw my thin frame staring back at me. 

Since when did I lose such weight? I did not almost recognize the familiarity of my face. 

A tear escaped my eye. 

I’m near the severe stage. it would not be that long. 

It has been months since I started coughing out different flowers. I remember being startled when I begun throwing up blue daffodils. I did not understand any of it first so I let it be. But I started to get alarmed when in the following week, when my best friend was talking about his new found crush, I found myself puking out Carnation at the gym’s bathroom. The pain is still quiet bearable compared to now but I was still scared and I did not know what to do that time. 

No one knew of it. Of course, no one. Except for my doctor. He told me I was suffering from Hanahaki disease. A rare case caused of one-sided love. He explained the disease to me. The first flower I threw up which is blue daffodils symbolizes unrequited love. Of course I know why. It was when I realized I am madly and deeply in love with my best friend all these years and obviously, the feeling is very not mutual.

The second flower, carnation, he said means heartache because of the unrequited feelings. 

It hurts. More than i imagined. 

Loving someone who doesn’t harbor the same feelings as yours is damn painful but throwing up flowers as the reminder of something you will never have is a different thing. Painful would be an understatement. 

In the following weeks, the same day when I saw Seungcheol hugging someone who has a silk-like brown hair man with a height completely opposite to mine, the flower changed from carnation to yellow marigold-- jealousy. 

The news of Seungcheol, the campus’s crush, dating someone started to circulate. And who was the lucky man? It was not me. Never will be. how i wished. 

When I started coughing out withered daffodils, my doctor warned me for the painful weeks that are yet to come for the withered flowers means rejected love. He was not mistaken. The burn in my lungs grew painful and painful after that. 

”Jihoon you need to think it all out..” the doctor said before I completely close the door that would get me out of his hair. 

I remember closing my eyes, his voice resonating inside my brain. 

'He has to reciprocate your feelings or you will have to undergo into surgery to remove the flowers, erasing your feeling towards him forever. Jihoon, you will die. Choose. The latter is best option.' 

I sobbed when all the doctor said revisited my brain. 

The anemones started to came out again from my mouth. It only means the final stage will just come at any given time without my knowing. I know it will not get better and it will only worsen. I know perfectly the consequences of all of this but I don’t understand why my heart is still beating loudly despite the burn. 

My bottom reached the floor as my knees lost all of its strength. 

If we are not meant to be, why does my heart says otherwise? 

How can his fingers fit mine perfectly? 

Why does he take my breath away with his every call?

Why does his touch makes me crave for more?

Why does the mere mention of his name is enough to make me lose my sanity? 

If he is not made for me, then why does I love him so much?

If loving him would hurt this much, why can’t I stop? 

If he is not the one for me, what is all of this? 

Why does the idea of death doesn’t not faze me but the thought of forgetting him does? 

I could have done the surgery from the very beginning cause the first option is not possible. But i can’t bring myself to do it cause I know my heart wants to love him until my last breath. No. Even after my last breath. 

”Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Incheon airport. Local time is 2: 35 PM. The temperature is...............” 

The announcement woke me up from revisiting what happened in the past five years in my dream. That long already? 

I smiled. It’s good to be back. 

”hello babe?” I called him on the phone the moment I got my things back. To let him know I landed safely so he won’t worry too much. he always worry and it's sweet. 

”i wish I was with you.” I chuckled. His voice sounds really regretful. How i wish he was with me too. 

”it’s okay. You’ll follow asap, right?” I asked pushing my stuffs using my other hand while the other is clutching on the phone in my ear.

”of course. I gotta go, babe. I love you.” I heard someone’s calling him on the other line. 

”Okay. I love you too, Soons. ” I replied as I wait for a person that will pick me up. Soon, the call ended.

Soonyoung is my fiance. We are scheduled to be married by the end of the year. He is still in LA but he’ll follow me here soon. he just have to finish his job so it won't be a hassle. 

If you are wondering what happened next five years ago, allow me to continue where I was cutted off. 

After coughing out withered flowers, I know i have putted myself in the worst.  
Days after, the withered flowers started to have blood. lots of it. And from that, I know I will soon to die. 

My mother found out about my disease and beg me to live. It was heartbreaking to see my mother kneeling down in front of me asking me to consider the surgery. At first, I did not really care but when she did that, I hit me hard. How could I cause my mother painful tears?

I decided to pack my bags and silently leave the country. My mother told me that it would be easier to do the operation in LA where my uncle is a well-known doctor. It all happened too fast and I vanished in the air without a trace. 

The moment we reached my uncle’s house in California, the last stage took place. I painfully puked out crimson red roses. Roses has thorns and it caused me to throw up an unimaginable amount of blood, staining the carpetted floor. My doctor said it symbolizes mourning, meaning death. 

I remember crying painfully as the blood comes out from my mouth. I remember each pierce of the thorns in my chest and in my lungs. It was really painful and I felt like dying. I remember everything turned into black and the next thing I knew, I was at the hospital lying in bed almost lifelessly.

The operation went well. They have successfully got rid of the flowers inside my chest, removing the thorns, removing my feelings, successfully removing traces of Seungcheol to me. I did not cry for when I woke up, I did not feel anything. Gone is the ache. Gone is the pain. All I feel is blank, void of anything. My uncle said It is a fresh start and everything will be well again. Indeed. 

I met Soonyoung in the university I went in. He is business student while I pursued music. We got along really well until he confessed and I said yes. After two years of dancing around each other, he proposed and the rest is history. 

Now, back to the present, I went back to see how the selling of our old house is going. My mother decided that we will be staying in Cali for good and my fiance is there so it’s okay for me. But since my mother is too old and too sick to travel and I would not let her even if she wants to, i will be the one who’ll fix every problem that is involving our house. It will not take long i’m sure for we already found a buyer so I’m going to stay for just a week and maybe a half. 

”Hyung!” I heard a familiar voice and I find it among the crowds. I stopped my eye on a tall handsome guy waving enthusiastically at me. I smiled and waved back. 

He hugged me tightly when I walked to them. He is with Seungkwan. God! how I miss them. 

after the dramatic reunion, they led me to the car while telling me stories of their lives while  I was away after I vanished out of the thin air. 

Of course, they graduated from their majors and have a stable job now. Many things have change. Jisoo told me that the guys are worried about me and I should contact them when I bumped into him in one of the beaches in LA last year. So, taking his advice into consideration, I did. But not Seungcheol. Seungkwan said that after he graduated, the contact also faded. That’s all I have to know and I’m good. Everything is in the past. My feelings for him was removed along with the painful flowers. And I’m happy now, with my family and fiance. 

”Jisoo hyung said your mother is sick that’s why you have to leave as soon as possible. I hope she’s in better shape now.” Mingyu said while driving the car. 

The guilt suddenly crept into my skin. 

That’s what I said to Jisoo. No one has to know the real story. It’s okay now. all is well. 

”Yeah.” I just said  faking a yawn to avoid the topic. I successfully pulled the trick when they told me to sleep cause Busan is a long hella trip. 

When we arrived, I immediately resigned to bed cause of exhaustion. It’s a long way from LA to Busan so my head kinda hurts. 

I'm staying at Seungkwan’s house so I would not have to live in a hotel for a week and maybe more. He offered and I said yes. He’s right. It’s less hassling.

The days passed like a blur. I enjoyed the time being with my old friends. The first 2 days of my stay, I met with my friends, Mingyu, Seungkwan, Chan, Junhui, Wonwoo, Hansol and Minghao . Jisoo hyung is staying in Seoul so I haven’t met him yet. We decided to drink our heart out to catch up stories what I've missed while I was gone. Furthermore, taking advantage of the days since it will not be that long and I'll travel back to LA. I have already told them about my upcomimg wedding and they are more than willing to witness that important event in my life. 

I plan to see our old house too. I hope It is still in good condition. Selling it is a thorough decision my mother and I had to make cause there are lots of memories stored in there, especially of my father’s. I have spent the early eighteen years of my life in that paradise. But we had to do it despite that house being very much dear to us. In fact, I am scheduled to meet the buyer today and I am on my way to the meeting place.

I got off the cab by the front of the restaurant we are supposed to meet. I bid my thanks to the driver and made my way inside.

They have a nice taste of choosing a place, i must admit. It's an Italian restaurant that obviously only elites can afford. Our house is pricey so it's not really a surprise that the buyer is hella rich.

I said the name for the reservation and a girl led me to where our table is.

I saw our family lawyer Leeteuk talking to a man about his age. He is wearing a round glasses and a black suit. Is that the buyer? I don't have a knowledge about laws or whatsoever legal procedures so I let Leeteuk do the job and I trust him enough to do so. it's my first time meeting the buyer and I know I have to talk to him first before signing the papers and handing to entrust him my previous home. 

"Jihoon" Leeteuk called me catching the other man's attention. I beamed them a smile.

"Have a seat. Jihoon this is Mr. Choi's lawyer, Shim Changmin. Mr.Shim, this is Lee Jihoon, the owner of the mansion." Leeteuk introduced us. I shook hands with Mr. Changmin. For a second, I thought he was the buyer.

"Mr. Choi can't come right now due to an important meeting but if you have any question, feel free to ask me." Mr. Shim formally begun.

I answered it's fine.

Not too long after they took the initiative to explain to me the legal processes which bored me to death but i have to deal with. I mentally rolled my eyes. 

"Ahm, Mr. Shim, I'm just wondering why does it seems to me that your client is in a rush to buy the mansion. Is he really not going to check if the house is well, in his taste before purchasing it?" I asked. My curiosity is killing me. I'm sure most people would check the item first to see if there's any fault before actually buying it. Wierd.

"No. He said it's fine for him. I know it's weird but he really wants to buy it first before going to the house himself." Mr. Shim explained. I just nodded. 

"What will happen to the house after then? Does your boss has any plan to renovate it or whatnot?" I anxiously asked. I know it is not my business anymore but i can't really help it. That house means a lot to us. 

"I'm not really sure about that, Mr. Lee. I'm sorry I couldn't answer that but I assure you your house will be in good hands. Mr. Choi is a good person". He tried to assure me in which i just smiled. 

We are in the middle of conversation of what kind of person Mr. Choi is when a voice interrupted us.

"I hope I am not very late." He said. My breathe hitched.

I look up to see the owner of the voice. A man in a black poloshirt greeted my eyesight. His hair is jet black matching his fair complexion. He is tall and his presence demands attention. 

He pulled a chair and sat beside his lawyer.

"Jihoon-ssi, this is Choi Seungcheol, the buyer." Mr. Shim imtroduced the man with confidence.

"Mr. Lee?"

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until Leeteuk snapped at me halting my attention to the man who just arrived.

"Fancy seeing you again Lee Jihoon-ssi" he flashed me a smile and I swear I don't understand why am I such a nervous wreck when he did.

"Ahm, ye, ahm. Hi?" I can't find my words. it seems like i lost it somewhere in my throat.

He is the buyer? But. But! Why?

"You know him?" Leeteuk asked me, amused. I just look at him trying to understand why am I acting like this.

"Yes. We used to be best friends." I answered trying to be fine. Maybe I was just excited to see him, my old friend.

"Yeah." He agreed. His voice was deep. 

The meeting did not last long. We discussed his plans to the house saying not to worry cause he will not change a bit of it unless it has damages he has to repair. After that, we call it the day. We bid our goodbyes to each other. 

I was so ready to leave when Seungcheol approached me with a smile not leaving his face. He still doesn't change. Still smiling so brightly like he has the world and everything in his hands. I smiled back. 

”I thought I’ll be talking to Mrs. Lee. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just surprised that I saw you here.” He informed me while still beaming brightly it's blinding. 

”Mom is too old to travel in such distance. But I’m sure she’ll love to see you too” I casually replied. How will you react if you see your old friend again which you used to harbor forgotten feelings before. Of course, i will find it awkward. 

We shared a questioning silence until my phone vibrated from my grip. 

It’s Seungkwan. 

”Do you have a car? I can drive you to Nepenthe if you want. I’m going to pass there on my way to the hotel” he kindly offered. Seungkwan said through text that the squad is hanging out at the cafe named nepenthe and Seungcheol happened to read the message cause we are standing next to each other with a tolerable distance. I refused the offer first cause I don’t want to be a nuisance or better to avoid another awkward scenario waiting to happen. I don’t even know why I feel nervous. But after some persuasion saying he just wanted to catch up, I said okay. That explains why i am on the shotgun seat inside his car right now.

"Wow. It’s been what? Five years? How are you?” his hands are in the steering wheel and his gaze is fixated on the road but despite that, he looks happy.

”I’m good. Things are great. I’m a music producer now. ” I gave him a genuine smile matching what’s painted on his lips. 

”I’m glad. You’ve always wanted to be one.” I can’t help but notice that his tone is fond and warm like it used to be. I’m not really sure why I still remember the tone he had used to me back then but I’m certain it’s still the same. 

”ye. How about you? What’s keeping you busy? I heard from Mingyu that you left after graduation.” If he is serious about catching up, at least I could give him the effort to ask him things I’ve been curious about to much his enthusiasm. 

”ah! That. I was admitted to this famous university in France. I lost my phone including their numbers so I could not contact our old friends. I’m an Engineer now.” I just nodded to what he replied not really knowing what to say next. Who would have thought he is a successful engineer now? 

”I see you’re still friends with them. I’d love to contact them but I was too shy to approach since I left without a word. It would be weird if I act like nothing happened.” He added. Right. Maybe that was also the reason why I was a nervous wreck around him. 

We are on the highway when his phone rang. He threw me a glance as if excusing himself so I just nodded. He swiped his phone to answer the call and pressed the speakers mode. I looked at the window since the situation asked for it. 

”Yah! Choi Seungcheol I swear If you’re not in this hotel in twenty minutes I will kill you!” An agitated voice screamed through the speakers. 

”Alright. Alright. I’ll be there in twenty. I swear, your whinny voice annoys me.” 

”You love me. Admit it.” The other line said in such confidence. Who was it?

”Whatever you say Yoon Jeonghan. I have to end this. I’m driving. Bye.” Yoon Jeonghan? I see they are still together. Going strong, huh? 

I sighed. 

”Sorry about that. He’s always like that. Anyway, here we are.” he pulled the car to stop in front of the cafe. It says nepenthe, i read. I bid him thanks before getting off. I was about to shut the door when he called again. 

”Here’s my card. In case you have questions and of course, to keep in touch” He smiled handling me the card and his phone. I entered my number and smiled at him before completely closing the door. I waved first before going inside the cafe. 

”Who drove you here? That car is a sight.” Junhui follow the car that can be seen on the glass in his gaze, the others peeped too watching the car drove farther and farther from our sight. 

”It’s Seungcheol. He is the buyer of our house” I informed them and I swear his eyes grew wide as a saucer. I forgot to mention my friends are kind of dramatic. 

”Why didn’t you invite him here? I miss hyung. He should have said hi.” Mingyu said in awe and it was seconded the motion by Hansol and Seungkwan. 

”He said he is shy to approach you guys since he left without a trace. He is scared you’re mad.” I took a bite in the cake lying comfortably on top of our table. 

”why would he think that? You also left us with nothing but we’re still friends” Chan said unaware of what he is saying. The table becomes quiet and I heard Seungkwan scolding Chan for that. Somehow I feel guilty but I know they would not want that. So I gave them a reassuring smile to remove the tension hanging out with us.

“Anyway, He is still together with Jeonghan. “ I said which earned a huh by Mingyu and Wonwoo. 

”Still together? What do you mean?” Minghao asked confused. 

”While we’re on the car, Jeonghan called him and said Seungcheol loves him despite his nagging. I see they are still together since high school. “ I explained further but their forehead creased more. 

”what’s with the faces?” I asked pointing the lines in their heads. 

”Seungcheol and Jeonghan hyung weren’t in a relationship during high school.” Wonwoo blurted. 

”Yoon Jeonghan is Jisoo hyung’s ex. They were together during high school. Months before you left, they got together. Seungcheol hyung was just helping Jisoo out to court Jeonghan. That’s why they were issued to be dating but no they were not.” Hansol sipped on his drink the moment he finished talking. 

”You’re Seungcheol hyung’s best friend, how could you did not know?” Mingyu pouted. 

Our conversation started off in that and eventually it changed to different topics that interests them. But that topic did not left my mind until all of us gets home, me, in Seungkwan’s. 

Why didn’t I know that? 

But Seungcheol told me he has a crush on someone whose name begins in J and ends with N. It was obviously Yoon Jeonghan since they were always together. and he said his crush resembles an angel and the latter looks like one.

I closed my eyes. 

I don’t understand but I saw Seungcheol’s smiling face painted on my mind. 

We used to be best of friends. Used to.

What if I did not left before? What would have happen to us? 

I opened my eyes. 

What is this i’m feeling? 

Regret? Hope? What is this? 

I should not be feeling this way. 

The surgery went successful. I underwent surgery that would erase my feelings for him. I should not be feeling anything towards him, what is this warmth? What is all this? I should feel void when thinking of him cause my feelings for him are long gone. So does the flowers. I have a fiance now. We’re getting married soon. 

Maybe this is nothing. It’s just in my mind. I’m just glad I saw my best friend again. 

”right. It's just like that.” I mumbled. 

”hyung, what? You were saying something?” Seungkwan inquired. I forgot we’re watching television in his living room. I was absorbed by my useless thoughts. 

”huh? Nothing. I’m fine” I assured him which is futile attempt considering he is Boo Seungkwan. 

”Did you fought with your fiance? you can really tell me hyung. You know I care.” his words made the guilt run through my body. I closed my eyes for the second time. 

”no. We did not fight. Truth is, I lied. I’m sorry.” I said sincerely. He turned off the tv and focused on me. Not talking. He is waiting for me to continue. 

”My mother was not sick back then and that was not the reason why I left.” I confessed. My heart is growing heavy on my chest. 

”what? Hyung what?” He is confused now and shocked. 

”I was suffering from Hanahaki disease. I know you know that illness. I was madly in love with my best friend before that my situation was at worst. I was dying Seungkwan. “ When I told Seokmin and Soonyoung about it, i did not cry. I did not know why I am close to tears right now. 

”Hyung. Seungcheol. “ That’s all what came out from his mouth. 

”yes. I was in love with Seungcheol but he was not so I was dying. The doctor said I should have a surgery or else I’ll die. Mom. She beg me to have it so we flew to LA and the surgery went successful. That’s where I met Soonyoung. I love him. I know. But I don’t understand cause I should be feeling nothing when I saw Seungcheol again but I do feel something. I just can’t name it. I’m confused. I am--” 

”Hyung!” Seungkwan rubbed my back as I started to puke out leaves. 

At first it was just leaves. Then when I was catching my breath, Red tulips started coming out.

”Hyung.” Seungkwan continued to soothe my back. 

Why am I coughing out flowers again? 

Flowers?

”Soonyoung.” I said in between throwing up. 

Is Soonyoung cheating on me? Did he not love me now? No. That’s impossible. What the hell is happening? 

When I was done throwing up those goddamn flowers, Seungkwan guided me back to sit again at the blue sofa. 

”Did... Did your fiance.... Cheated?” He carefully asked. Probably weighing his words. 

”No. No. Soonyoung would never.” I answered daze. 

”But hyung! There is no other reason why you are throwing up these pretty flowers. You said you already went through surgery so Seungcheol hyung is so out of the picture. What you are feeling is just longing for an old friend i’m sure. Sorry to say but I really think Soonyoung is cheating on you.” Seungkwan said certain. 

I shook my head. He wouldn’t, would he? 

Days passed in a drop. I continued vomiting red tulips in those two days. I told Seungkwan not to tell others. I will confirm first if Soonyoung is really cheating on me. I am at Incheon airport to personally pick him up. Today is his arrival.

”babe. I miss you.” He kissed my lips. I did not know what is up to the world but I realized that whenever he kisses me, I do not feel butterflies. Not even once. But I love him. Maybe it’s just the familiarity. 

”I miss you too.” I weakly said hugging him tightly. For years of being lost, I thought I could not love again after the heartbreak I experienced with Seungcheol but Soonyoung, he was there when I could not feel anything. He made me feel again. He loved me. He is not lying when he said that, don’t he? There is no way he would cheat on me. Not in my wildest dreams. 

We spent the day being together. I received a text from Seungcheol saying he would like to see the house tomorrow and asked if I am free so I can show him around the house and discuss the slight damages it might have. After seeing him the other day, I am not sure if I wanted to have a glimpse of him again. I know I love Soonyoung but Seungcheol, he makes me feel weird. But I still said yes. Seungkwan might be right it was just the longing for an old friend. 

The day came. Soonyoung was out to buy snack cause we did not eat breakfast so I went to see Seungcheol first. I saw his car parked inside. He waved at me the moment he saw me so I just smiled. 

”You ready?” he asked when he came close. I just nodded cause I could not find my voice.

We enter the front huge wooden front door ans step inside. The house did not change the slightest. It feels nostalgic all of a sudden. 

”This house brings a lot of memories.” I smiled as my mind made a trip to my memory lane. We walked to the receiving area and see the old furnitures are all covered in white sheets. 

”I remember we used to have our study time here and watch movies in that couch.” I looked at the covered couch when he said that. I remember that. He is a year older than me so he used to tutor me lessons I did not understand back then, especially math. Math and I were not really good friends but Seungcheol excel in that subject.

Seungcheol's parents are seperated and he used to live in his mother's side streets before our house. His mother was a famous director so it is often not home. That's why Seungcheol was always in our house.

He walked to the kitchen area so I followed. Remember, i'm showing him around. 

”Is it okay if I make a little changes to the mini bar?” He inquired me while busy examining the bar counter. 

”Of course. The house will soon be yours.” I just said. Looking through the  shelf that used to have a lot of different alcohol since my father collects them. That mini bar is his favorite part of the house. I kinda miss father. 

”Your father told me before that he has always wanted to change the color of this stool but never really had time to do so. I just thought maybe I can. What do you think of dark navy blue?” he is still not looking at me. Seungcheol was really a bright and smart kid and my family is fond with him. He and father were really close. They often talk about things I don’t really have an interest of. Set for example, different era of architecture and alcohol. 

”you’re the engineer and architect I think my opinion won’t really matter.” I nonchalantly replied. I am not good with colors. 

I was taken aback when he looked at me with his fond eyes across the counter. 

”Your opinion always matter to me, Ji. You have no idea.” He said looking straight into my eyes. I felt my heart skipped a beat at the contact. 

”whatever you say Choi Seungcheol. Come on upstairs.” I tried to act unfazed. I shook my head and lead the way. 

First we went to the library then visited the other rooms. He gave comment on repainting it to the same color since some color faded a little. We did not have a house caretaker and we left in such a rush back then so the house is a little off now but at least we have two maids to maintain its cleanliness. We also checked the master bedroom and he did not say anything regarding it. 

”It is exactly as what I left it.” I made comment when he opened the door to my old bedroom. The keyboard is still there except it is covered in white sheet and I doubt its tune is still what it used to be. The frames are still hanging in my serenity wall. I look at the hanging frames. It has pictures of the squad and my family but mostly, it contains photos of me and Seungcheol. I felt a pang in my chest but only for a second. Maybe it’s just the nostalgia. 

”It is till here?” He walked to the hanging pictures with a stretch on his lips. Of course he will still remember all of it. He was the one who gifted me those hanging frames for my birthday. I was just the one who put pictures in it and actually hanged it. 

”yeah” I hummed. 

I followed him in my gaze when he walked towards the guitar beside the keyboard. He caressed it gently. It was the guitar he tried to saved for to give me on my 13th birthday. He said he restrained himself hard not to go to the arcade or buy the latest gaming CD. He said he wanted to give me something he worked so hard for back then. The memory made me smile unaware of the butterflied partying inside my stomach. 

I paced near him, running my hands through the neck of the guitar to its pegs. Seungcheol used to help me write songs before. He was always in charge when it comes to rap parts. I remember him singing me a song when he give the guitar to me. It felt warm hearing his voice inside my distant memories. 

I was startled when he touched my hand that not too long ago was  touching the rusty strings. I made no effort to retract from his hold but just look at him only to discover he is already staring. 

It was so easy getting lost in those brown orbs that is staring intently at me. I can’t help but admire his fluttering eyelashes that is too black and long. His eyes are the combination of anxiety and longing. How can such a beautiful eyes hold such sadness inside? 

”Cheol.” I blurted. Almost a whisper. 

”I miss you.” He soon confessed. I miss you too. I wanted to say but the words not escaping my mouth. It’s an extravagant confession I could not afford, especially when I barely understand myself. 

I looked at him with equal intensity and before I knew it, I felt his lips moving against mine. Not too rough and not too desperate. It’s soft and patient, and sad, and uncertain. I kissed him back with passion and longing. At first the kiss was innocent and anxious but later on it became sensual and almost rough. 

I felt a cold surface touching my back. I am now pressed flatly against my serenity wall. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against mine. 

”I almost went crazy when you left me. You have no idea how much I missed you. God, Ji, miss you.” He reclaimed my lips shortly for the last time and hugged me tightly like I am gonna run away again if he let go. His breathing is heavy and anxious. 

”Stay with me, Ji. Please.” he begged in a desperate plea.his forehead is rested in mine for the second time. I closed my eyes. 

”I.... I... I’m getting married. I love him. I’m sorry.” I averted my gaze from him. For the moment, I was gonna say yes. How i love to be with him but I remember Soonyoung. I don’t wanna hurt him and besides I am in love with him, ain’t I? Of course I am. 

I heard him chuckle. 

”of course you are. I guess i am too late. I was always too late.” he broke the hug and offered me a bitter smile distancing himself a little to give me a personal space. My heart shattered at the sight of him. 

I was about to ask him what he meant by that when I received a call from Soonyoung. I touched the answer button. 

”babe! Where are you? I’m downstairs.” Soonyoung said in the other line. I threw a glance at Cheol then look around avoiding any eye contact. 

”uhm, b- babe. I’m in my r-room. Second door after the stairs to the right.” I informed him slightly stuttering. What is happening to me? Why am I so affected? 

Not a minute later, the door flew open revealing Soonyoung who rushed and gave me a peck. I saw Seungcheol blinked and turn away as if inspecting the room. 

”You must be Choi Seungcheol. I heard a lot about you. By the way I am Kwon Soonyoung, Jihoonie’s fiance” Soonyoung introduced himself to Seungcheol. Of course he knew Seungcheol because I told him my story. He is fine with him since he is certain i don’t have feelings for the latter anymore because of the surgery. 

Seungcheol shook the offered hands and tried to just smile. 

”You are invited to our wedding by the end of this year. I’m sure Jihoonie would be happy to see his old friend.” Soonyoung is oblivious to what is happening. I bit my lips. 

”right. Uhm, sorry I really need to go now to catch an important meeting. It was nice meeting you Soonyoung-ssi.” Seungcheol said. If I knew it better he was just trying to avoid what’s hapening in front of him but I know it is the best thing to do right now. Part of me wanted him to go but also the other half is begging for him to stay. It’s confusing. Maybe i’m just being guilty. 

After Seungcheol left, Soonyoung and I decided to leave too. We are jamming to a song inside Soonyoung’s car on our way back to Seungkwan's home when I received a text. It’s from Seungcheol. 

From: Choi Seungcheol

I got the papers you’ve signed via Leeteuk so sadly, there is no reason for us to meet again. I guess it’s a goodbye then. I am really sorry about earlier. I did not know you’re in a relationship. I shouldn’t have kiss you. I know you are happy with him I hope I will be too. Don’t worry i’ll be gone in your way. Congratulations in advance on your wedding. I mean it. Be happy Jihoon that’s all I ever wanted. I’ll take good care of your house. Goodbye, Woozi.

He called me Woozi, the old pet name he gave to me.

”Jihoonie, you okay?” Soonyoung must have noticed my daze. 

”ye-yes. Of course. I just received a text from Mr. Shim saying Seungcheol already have all the papers so the house belongs to him now. “ I said. at least I did not lie in most part. 

He nodded and drove back. 

I rested my head in the car’s glass window, my eyes are fixated at the surroundings but my mind is traveling far somewhere. 

I can still feel Seungcheol’s lips against mine. I can still feel his embrace and I don’t understand why. It’s frustrating to think of. 

Why does he still affects me?

Why does my heart is reacting upon his beats? 

My uncle said the surgery was a success and I did not feel anything when I think of him after that. It all started to get strange when I saw him again. 

What is this? 

No. Jihoon. It's just nothing. 

You are just glad to see Seungcheol again. He might have become stranger in your feelings but you have memories with him and maybe it’s just that. Maybe it’s really supposed to feel like that. Maybe that usually happens after the surgery. It’s the after effect. And besides, you love Soonyoung. 

Right.

I love Soonyoung. I went through surgery so there is no way I have a feelings for Seungcheol now. It is impossible cause they have already removed traces of him in me. 

When the night came, we agreed to buy take outs in a Japanese restaurant near Seungkwan’s house and just laze and watch a movie in Seungkwan’s couch. The latter is having a date with Hansol and he said he might come home late. 

We are halfway finishing the movie when Soonyoung excuses himself to the bathroom. 

I paused the movie so we could finish it together. I was about to walk to the refrigerator to grab an ice cream cause i’m craving for it since earlier when Soonyoung’s phone beeped. 

I picked it from resting in the center table and swiped it open. I almost drop it when I did. 

From: Seoks <3

Soonie, call me immediately. I hate it but I guess I miss you being here.

Soonie? Seoks? Who the hell is this? 

Is Soonyoung really cheating on me? How could he?

I angrily walk to where the bathroom is to confront him. I saw him flashing the toilet when I opened the door harshly. It wasn’t locked. 

”You got a text from Seoks with a heart. He said he misses you.” I said coldly clutching on the phone. 

”Jihoon.” He said shock evident in his face. 

”Soonyoung are you cheating on me?” I straightforward asked. This is why I am coughing out fucking flowers. He does not love me anymore. He is in love with someone else. Seungkwan is very right. 

He stared at me before kneeling down on the floor. Next thing i’m witnessing is he is puking out flowers on the toilet bowl, tears started to cloud his eyes from too much coughing. 

”What the hell is happening?” I anxiously asked. Why is he throwing up? Especially why flowers? He is not supposed to puke out flowers because I do love him for fuck’s sake! 

He is like that for a minute before he look down to the flowers inside the bowl. 

”No Jihoon. I was not cheating on you.” He said wiping his mouth by the back of his hand. 

”Then tell me thew fuck is happening!!” I demanded. This whole thing is getting all shit up. It’s making me more frustrated.

“These flowers” He pointed to the pale pink flowers dancing inside the bowl. 

”it is coral roses. It means love for a friend. Seokmin is my doctor. “ He added. He stood up but still looking down. I creased my forehead still not understanding his point. 

”Jihoon, I am suffering from Hanahaki disease just like you five years ago.” Now he is looking at me with an emotion I can’t name. 

”What are you saying? Why would you suffer in that fucking disease when I know I love you. Unless you don’t love me and you are in love with someone else who doesn’t love you back. You’re cheating.” I accused him without taking a breath. 

”You’re both right and wrong. Jihoon, I would never ever cheat on you. God knows how much I love you. I am in love with someone who does not love me back.” He admitted. 

”What do you mean? Soons you know I love you so what is this?” I am getting irritated in this pointless argument. He could just have admit he is cheating!

”Yes you love me. But as a friend Jihoon. You love me but just as a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.” I gave him a you-you-gotta-be-kidding-me look. Is he insane? How so? 

”Stop making excuses and admit that you’re cheating” I said through gritted teeth. 

He sighed. 

”I started throwing up daffodils months ago then a month before your flight it becomes coral roses. Seokmin said it symbolizes love for a friend. I don’t understand it at first but I know for sure Jihoon you are not in love with me. That’s why I wanted to follow you here as soon as possible to break the engagement off. I don’t want to caged you in a relationship where you love me but not the same way I love you. I want you to be happy Jihoon.” He sincerely said. That’s when my tears started to fall from my eyes.

I don't understand. 

”But. But I started coughing out flowers too,  days ago. If I do not love you, why am I throwing up again? What is happening to me?” I sobbed out of frustration. 

This whole thing is messing up with me. I hated that I cant understand the thing about it. I hate that I don’t have a clue on what’s happening to me. I am going crazy.  

I felt him hugged me, giving me the comfort I should be the one giving him. 

Seungkwan came back home witnessing that scene. Of course he’ll ask why. At first he was furious at Soonyoung but after he explained the whole thing, Seungkwan calmed down, giving the former sympathy. 

”Wait, Jihoon. You said you started coughing out tulips when was it again? Days ago? I think it was when you saw Seungcheol, right?” I tried hard to think where Seungkwan’s question is making a point but I did not get it so I just nodded. 

”Right!. What if it is Seungcheol hyung you love? No offense Soonyoung.” Seungkwan threaded his words carefully making sure he is considering Soonyoung’s feelings. 

”It’s impossible Seungkwan. You know that. You can’t fall for the same person twice after the surgery. It was clear from the beginning.” I said. 

”hmm. You have a point, but what if? When is your flight? The day after tomorrow? I suggest you go back to LA as soon as possible and talk to your doctor. There must be something wrong in the system.” Seungkwan thought loudly. 

I agreed to his suggestion and excused myself and Soonyoung. I owe him apology. 

”If you think you have to apologize, There is really no need to, Hoonie.” Soonyoung said as soon as Seungkwan was out of the earshot. 

”No. I should.” I objected anxiously but determined. 

”First, I am so sorry I accused you of cheating when it was me all along without even realizing it. Second, for making you suffer. I swear Soons, I tried. I thought I loved you. I was sure I loved you. Lastly, for not reciprocating your feelings. I am so sorry. Soons. “ He caged me in an embrace while I am crying. How can I hurt him?

”Until now, you wanted to set me free so I can be happy. What did I do to deserve someone like you? I am always thankful that I got to meet you. You’re selfless, you’re amazing. You don’t deserve any of this. I am so sorry. “ I said in between my sobs. He caressed my hair and I felt him kiss my crown. 

”I have to set you free so I can also be. We deserve to be happy, Jihoon and trust me, someday we will truly be.” I just nod and hug him again. I may lost a fiance but I found a another friend in him.

We hugged our pain away that  night. I hope he found his happiness very soon. 

A day after that scenario, we flew to LA in a snap. I started coughing out flowers again and I was alarmed when it was more handful than the first time. Soonyoung is also moving on from me, he said lately he’s been attached to his doctor Seokmin. I am glad. 

I told my case to my uncle and he set a consultation as soon as he could. My uncle is not the same doctor who was assigned to me before. It was his retired best friend.

We begun the check up by an x-ray. But after that, he told me to go home, rest first and come back the day after which kinda irritated me. He could have said what’s wrong with me in an instant. Why do I need to come back? That explains why I am at the hospital early in the morning.

”So, what did you see? Am I suffering from Hanahaki again? How many times do I have to undergo a surgery?” I commented in a question as soon as I was seated inside his office. This damn thing is getting harder to think about. 

”Jihoon. Listen to me. I need your full attention at this moment. “ He did not say anything about my snappy attitude which is new but get straight to the topic. 

I rolled my eyes. 

”I’m listening.” 

”Great. So, I noticed a weird thing when I saw your x-ray results so I had to contact your previous doctor to ask a few question. Glad it enlightened me and I hope it will do the same thing to you. Here. ” He took out the x-ray results from the brown envelope and handed it to me. 

”You see, There’s a elongated object near your heart and of course, the flowers. That flowers are red tulips. It symbolizes undying love.” He said. I look at sepiatic paper to see what he was saying but after seeing it myself, i place it at the top of his desk. 

”So I am right? Surgery again?” I let out a mocking chuckle. 

”Shut up first and listen. I am still not done explaining.” He said. I acted as zipping my mouth and he mouthed ‘good’

”The thing is, I asked Carl about it and he said, that the surgery before was a success but then, your mother asked him not to removed all the flowers back then. So, what Carl did was leave a small petal in your chest. So basically, it bloomed over time and it started to grow slowly again.” He carefully explained. Okay? 

”Hang in there. So you mean, the flowers from back then bloomed again and turned into a red tulips? it was really not a success despite saying it was a success?” I asked confuse. It doesn’t make any sense. 

”it was a success. But your mother beg him to leave a single petal. I am saying it bloomed. You said you started vomiting the day you saw him. As i said earlier, Red tulips symbolizes undying love. The moment you saw him, your feelings for him stirred up again and the flowers celebrated making you feel overwhelmed to puke them out. What i am trying to make you understand here is, you were still in love with this Seungcheol guy all along. Carl just removed the thorns so you could live but not your feelings. It is still there. That explains the seed near your chest. “ His elaboration made me look at him with a large question mark in my forehead. Then it started to sink. What? I look at him speechless. 

”you should have a word with your mother. I don’t have any idea why she did it too. Better ask her yourself. Go now.” I walked out his office and went home still in daze. 

I am in love with him all along?

I never stop loving him?

That's why. 

That explains the butterflies and the familiar warmth. That explains the hitching of breath and the erratic beating in my chest. They did not removed his traces in me. I just stop thinking about him but my heart is still beating. 

”Mom! Why would you do that?” I sobbed when I saw my mother reading a book in our living room. I hugged her tight to support my weakening body. 

”your uncle said you wanted to talk to me. I guess I know why.” She ruffles my hair while I was clutching to her for my dear life. 

”Why, Mom?” I broke the hug. He ushered me to sit beside her on the couch which I gladly did. She held my hand. 

”Remember when i begged you to have a surgery? You said you don’t want to because you don’t want to erase your feelings for him. You said you would rather die than feel nothing when it comes to him. “ She played with my fingers while i am still a crying mess in front of her. 

”I know you love Cheol that much. That’s why I did that. You keep chanting his name in your sleep. Sweetheart, I know Seungcheol. He is like my son too. Call it mother’s instinct but I have a feeling you two would end up together. That’s why I don’t like Soonyoung that much cause I’m rooting for Cheollie. I know he is the only one who can make you happy.”

”Jihoon, you went through a lot. When I heard you say those words I’m certain that you would not love anything more than you love Seungcheol. He was your great love and he still is. How can one love again after a great love? I’m sure your father would approve too. Son, you deserve to be happy. I hope you're not mad at me. I love you, son. I wanted the best for you.” I pulled my mother into a tight hug once again after she said those words.  I can't get mad to her. if anything, I am so thankful. Cause she's right. I could never love anything more than I love Choi Seungcheol. 

”But I am not his great love.” I mumbled still crying. 

”trust me, you are.” she kissed my temple. 

”Book a flight now.” She added before breaking the hug. 

I know I have to. 

 

”Jihoon hyung. What happened? Seungkwan said you need to see your doctor immediately that is why you left in a rush. Are you okay now?” Mingyu said the moment I sat on one of the chairs inside the cafe in our usual area. 

I just got here from LA six hours ago. I slept at the hotel to rest before I decided to meet them. After all, I owe them an explanation. 

”I heard the wedding is off. Is that true?” Chan joined the conversation after he ordered us drinks.

”Hmm.” I hummed. 

”Guys, Can I tell you the story after I talk to Seungcheol first? I really need to talk to him. If you don’t mind.” I scratch the back of my neck. Seungkwan squelled from his seat.  The guys gave him a weird look. 

”Oh my gosh!! I was right, Right?” He said pointing at me. I gave him an eye roll and he screamed louder assuming it was a confirmation. 

”speaking of Seungcheol hyung, he met us days after you went back to LA and apologized. He told us why he vanished out of the thin air before. “ Wonwoo butted in to make Seungkwan shut up. 

"yeah?" i am curious. Seungcheol's answer to me back then was vague. 

”He said he left because he was sick. When you left five years ago, he was about to confess his feelings for you during his graduation but you are nowhere to be found. He started having flowers in his lungs for months and apparently it stopped after a year. He did not know why either. His mother died so they sold their house. He stayed in Daegu for a year in his father’s house and was admitted to a prestigious university in France later on. We’re good now. “ Hansol narrated. That made me stand up on my feet. 

”Does he know about the wedding being off? Is he still single? do you know where he is staying now?” I quarried. I need to talk to this bastard. He should have told me!

”Whoa. Calm down. he’s staying in your mansion that's all I know. Maybe he is still single maybe he’s not.” Hansol shrugged

”Okay. I’ll see you later guys. Thank you.” I grabbed my phone in the table and hire a cab as soon as I can. I heard him calling at me but I ignored them.   
Our old house that is now belongs to Seungcheol is not that far from the cafe. 

I ring the doorbell and the cab made it’s way inside the gigantic gate. I came out the cab and bid my thanks to the driver before making myself welcome inside our old house. 

I see that the renovation of the mini bar is currently ongoing. But nothing change. It’s not even a month since I last came inside this house. I was only gone to LA for a week.

”Sir. “ A maid approached me. I beamed her a smile and asked where Seungcheol is. 

”You are sir Jihoon right? You look exactly as in the picture. He’s upstairs, sir. You can go to him if you wanted. His room is two doors after the stairs at the right.” The maid explained. The picture part kinda confused me. but what? He is rooming in my old room? 

I climbed off the stairs and went where it said he is. 

I gave two knocks before grabbing the knob open. 

”Seungcheol?” I called as I examined the room. 

He did not changed the room. It was exactly what we left except the furnitures aren’t covered in white sheets anymore. The only thing that is added inside my old room is the shelf full of gaming CD’s and a large flat screen TV resting on the wall opposite to the bed. The bed sheet and pillows are galactic. He did not removed the photos hanging on the wall and he have also changed the guitar strings. I did not see the ghost of my old keyboard. Maybe it’s not functioning anymore that’s why he got rid of it. I sighed at the thought. It was a gift from my father. 

Seungcheol is nowhere to be found in my eye sight so I went inside and check my old studio if he is inside. As expected the room is empty without my equipment. I brought it with me when we left before. I found the old keyboard resting on ease against the wall, neatly topped with stuff toys. I smiled. I’m glad he did not throw it. 

He is still nowhere in sight so I came out of that tiny room to check the walk in closet but when I realized what he might be doing if he is inside, I restrain myself and just lied face down in his queen sized bed that used to be mine. I sniffed the pillow. It smells just like him.

 turned and look up the ceiling instead. Where is he?

I was having a staring competition with the ceiling when the door flew open making me sat up in such haste. 

”Jihoon? What are you doing here?” The person I was looking for voiced out in shock. 

I fidget in my seat not really know where I should start. 

He closed the door, I can feel his uncertainty if he is going to approach me or stay where he is standing. 

I closed my eyes. I can hear my mother cheering in my mind. I can do this.

”I see you room in here instead of the master’s bedroom.” I tried to break the ice. 

”uhm, it’s comfortable here. I hope you don’t mind.” He said scratching his nape. A habit he always does when he is not sure what to do. 

”No. Not at all. Come here.” I tab the space next to me so he could sit. He sat too far away from me so I moved closer. I can’t help but hold his doll face. God, he is beautiful.

”H-How’s your wedding preparations? I’m sorry I don’t think I could attend.” He flinch in my touch and tried to move away subtlety.

I hugged him. 

”Jihoon. What are you doing?” He said in horror. I closed my eyes but I did not bother to break my embrace even tho he is not hugging me back. I miss him. 

”Hansol told me why you left before. “ I mumbled in his shoulder. 

”t-that. Don’t worry. It’s all in the past. Wh-where’s Soonyoung?” I know he wants to hug me back but he is trying hard not to so I pressed myself against him consuming all the space that was left. 

”Do you know the reason why I left without a word?” I asked him while resting my head on top of his shoulder. 

”B-because your mother got s-sick?” He answered stiffly. 

”Wrong.” I shook my head. 

”it’s because of you.” I broke the hug and look at him in his eyes. I watch as his forehead started to form lines. I grab his stiffened hands and intertwined it with mine.

I told him the whole story along with the new discovered details which earned a gasped from him. 

”I discovered lately that I’ve been yours all along. ” I smiled at him but to my disappointment, he did not return it but looked down to our intertwined hands. 

”but you’re getting married.” he breathed heavy air. I release his hand from my hold and cupped his face instead. 

”Only if you say yes.” I said. 

”huh? What do you mean?” his eyes become small trying hard to decipher the meaning behind my words. 

”Soonyoung and I called the wedding off cause my heart already belongs to someone else. So now, will you marry me?” I boldly questioned him. His eyes went wide. I just chuckled. Cute.

”Are you seriously proposing to me Lee Jihoon?” he asked still confused. I rolled my eyes. 

”Well, unless you already have someone else. I guess I have to get rid of the flowers blooming inside my chest completely and tell my mom we have to go back to LA for good.” I shrugged. Despite being all confident i am nervous he already stopped loving me. 

”are you kidding? Of course I do.” he hugged me excitedly. Fucking finally!! He got it right. Sometimes i wonder why he is so slow. 

”i’m sorry i forgot the ring. I promise I’ll but you first thing first. Proposing wasn’t really in my plan but you’re just fucking beautiful i can’t help myself. “ I confessed between the hug. He mumbled it’s okay and squished me tighter. 

”Jihoon, do you know why I bought the house?” He asked me. I questioned why cause i am also curious. I want to ask that to him since the very beginning but i did not have the chance to do so. 

”You said to me before that if you are going to have a family, you want to make them live here. You’ve always love this house and everything in it cause your father designed this. I thought if you did not fulfill that perhaps I can cause I’ve always wanted to be with you till we grow old. I’m glad I can still fulfill that dream. Thank you. I’ve always love you in case you did not know.” he said sentimentally. I can’t help but smile at that. I untangled myself from the hug. 

”I love you too, you big baby. Now, quit being a sap so I can lavish that sinful lips of yours.” he blushed from what i've said and if I did not mention how cute he was, i'm telling you he is.

I kissed him hard with passion and longing. He gladly mirrored my move. I gently pushed him down the mattress, my knees between his juicy thighs. My kisses went wild and rough against him and he is not complaining.  Good.

”wait, wait, Ji. What do you mean you’re going back to LA for good if I did not say yes? Is your mother here?” he is still not over that huh. He is so slow but damn I really love him. It’s cute. 

”She’s in the hotel. Shut up please. I’m still not done kissing you.” before he could reply, I kissed him roughly again, tasting every corner of his mouth. 

The gang will have to wait for a while to hear the story completely, I guess. And oh, my mother can enjoy the hotel too while I am busy with this godly being that is Choi Seungcheol. He’ll have to scream my name first. 

 

 

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